Sunday, December 14, 2008
First Love (1969)
Our relationship was very sensual. We began that way. He led me on a "trust walk", which meant I was blindfolded and had to trust him completely to lead me and take care of me. He found all kinds of sensations to show me...touch, smell, taste. It awakened a passion in me, although it was not an overtly sexual approach in any way. But he moved me and brought me an innocent pleasure that awakened a desire in me. After the walk, we talked for the first time and kissed.
We began to explore each other's bodies, minds, spirits. We made out every chance we got, on the couch, behind a screen with everyone else hanging out just on the other side, outside in the grass on hot sunny humid Louisville days and even in lakes underwater. He was very sensitive, very sensual, very handsome. Blond-haired, blue-eyed, strong chin, goatee, long tall and lean.
He loved me and wanted me to be his first. We tried all summer to find a place where we could have sex but we were stopped at every turn. That last night, when we tried and tried to find a place to do it. He snuck me into his room but the counselor found me and chased me out. We went from place to place but we got caught everywhere we went. We never got to finish what we started.
I left him by the bus the next day. He collapsed into a puddle of tears after I was gone. We wrote long passionate letters to each other that Fall, and we called each other when we could. He came to visit me in December of 1969 in NYC, but by then he had slept with someone else.
The fire was gone from him for me. What was left were my tears and my constant recurrent nightmare that I would be alone for the rest of my life. Feelings of abandonment and grief so complete that it caught me by surprise.
We broke up in the Fall. The distance was too great to sustain what he felt for me.